Life beyond the Hurt Locker
This is an article about how to turn your most traumatic trials in life into triumphs.
The walls were closing in on me. I grabbed my date’s dining room table to stabilise myself. Fear had erupted like a volcano from the pit of my stomach, flooding every nerve cell in my body with pain. I gasped for breath. This was a full blown panic attack.This was me finally dealing with the trauma I’d been bottling up for years. It was time to face my Hurt Locker:
Hurt Lockers: the places we store our trauma
The movie ‘The Hurt Locker’ tells the story of an Explosive Disposal team in the U.S. Army. The term “Hurt Locker” refers to a coffin. However, the point of the movie is that the real “hurt lockers” are the lockers of trauma each soldier carries deep within their psyche as a consequence of war. When each soldier gets sent home to the US after a tour of duty they can’t settle. In order to make sense of their trauma they seek to return to the war zone, like men returning to the scene of a crime to find out what has happened to them. It turns out people in general are similar:
Statistically, over 50% of people who experience trauma will return to the circumstances that caused it.
In the worst cases like domestic abuse, victims often even become abusers themselves. How is this even possible? The fact is: humans are hardwired to return to our places of trauma or even to re-engineer those circumstances, so that we can make sense of what has happened to us, so we can finally move past it and grow.
Facing my Hurt Locker
Back to my panic attack:
At 42 years old I was dating a serious crimes detective. She was a bad ass who had arrested pedophiles and burglars. Our relationship was dynamic and brimming with romantic potential to begin with. However, a couple of months into our dating I got really sick on a date night and I had to cut our date short. She looked triggered, sobbed, shouted and then grabbed me between my legs and threatened me. I was shocked at her volatile reaction, but what happened next was even more shocking:
I didn’t end our relationship.
Unlike a sensible person, something unhealthy within me rationalised her behaviour. I told myself that she’d had one too many glasses of wine that night & she was upset. I told myself that her ex was a nightmare and she was still healing. I told myself she was a Christian at heart and a good person really.
Worst of all, the volatility I sensed brewing in her did the opposite of repel me: it attracted me. It reeled me in like a moth drawn to passion’s red flame. This relationship was going to result in me getting badly burned. I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull away.
3 months into our dating journey I finally got my wake up call:
A silly disagreement flared up because I answered a work email when she wanted to watch a movie, so she left the room and slammed the door leaving me alone. Nothing serious, right? But her reaction triggered a painful memory from my Hurt locker: It reminded me of a volatile relationship from my childhood. Sat alone in her living room I erupted into a panic attack.
I decided to drive away from her house a single man but I was nursing a head full of confusing questions:
How come I kept getting attracted to volatile relationships where I was walking on eggshells? Why did I stay in those relationships once I knew they were unhealthy?
I thought back to my upbringing:
Growing up from 14-17 years of age my life felt like a war zone: dodging emotional bullets & side stepping certain topics like land mines because of a volatile relationship. I survived instead of thrived in my teenage years. As a result, I stepped into adulthood feeling rejected and unworthy of the bonds of family love. Unsure how to process those hurts, I locked them deep inside. This was my Hurt Locker. I had survived a complete disconnect from one parent for 5 years, another father figure had gone to prison but this volatile relationship had been the straw that broke the camel’s back. I realised that in my selection of dating partners I was choosing women who would take me back to the battlefield of this childhood volatile relationship. It didn’t matter that I was a successful business man in Silicon valley, nor that I had been to 2 years of ministry school. The ultimate truth was there was still some aspect of my psyche in trauma that had not been fully healed and made whole.
I felt like the guy in the Bomb disposal outfit above approaching relationships expecting them to detonate in my face at any minute, but unable to leave. I was stuck in a loop, trying to make sense of my past by recreating the battle where my emotional development had been damaged.
Why we return to the battlefields that defeated us
That night, I knelt down to pray. I was humbled and could only stammer a cry for help. Profoundly, a small whisper echoed my own question back to me from deep within my subconscious:
“Why do broken warriors return to the battlefields that defeated them?
Why do broken people return to broken circumstances?
As I thought about this I received some downloads as to why:
#1 People return to battlefields because defeat has defined them
I know the above sentence doesn’t seem to make sense, but stick with me:
We have to be cognizant that there are always two things going on when we face circumstances i) what has happened to us and ii) the story we tell ourselves about why it happened to us. This second point is most important, because it is the part that informs our identity:
Did you know that your brain has something called the reticular activating system (RAS). This is a neural network that reinforces beliefs. When something interesting happens to you, it is responsible for asking “what does this say about my identity?” It only takes 30 seconds for your brain to visualise a belief to be true about you & if you identify with it then it shapes your identity!
Sadly, this part of your brain does not know the difference between what is true or a lie. Consider the following:
Let’s say you experience an abusive relationship. That is what happened to you. But then your brain tries to piece together why it happened. This is the story you are telling yourself. Maybe you visualise that this happened to you because you are unloveable. This idea of being unloveable is not true. It’s just one possible hypothesis to make sense of what happened to you. However, if you visualise that for more than 30 seconds and identify with it your RAS kicks in. Next, as you go through your day it begins to search for every shred of evidence to validate your hypothesis. So, each time a person speaks over the top of you, or rolls their eye at you, or a potential partner doesn’t want to date you… these all become evidence to support the belief: “wow, I really am unloveable!”. Meanwhile, another individual might experience the same situation and write it off as just other people having a bad day. Which one is right? They are in joy, you are in pain as a result. Pain always reveals brokenness. You are the one who’s thinking is broken, even though the story you’ve told yourself feels real.
This reveals a powerful truth about humanity:
We have a deep seated need in our personality to stay consistent with how we’ve defined ourselves. We absolutely always follow through on who we believe we are.
Tony Robbins
So, if you’ve been defeated by traumatic battle and you’ve identified with being worthy of defeat in an area of your life as a result, then your brain is scientifically proven to seek to manifest that bad belief. Next, your subconscious will lead you back into battlefields where you were defeated. This is how a Hurt locker gets built, then reinforced. In science this is called a limbic loop. It’s a reinforcing cycle of trauma. Because we manifest what we believe to be true: we are always manifesting either love and truth, OR lies and fear, into the world. We are constantly building kingdoms. Which kingdom we build – one of love or pain – comes down to our alignment with core beliefs. In short, if you find yourself constantly stuck in trauma or returning to old battlegrounds the answer is to audit your beliefs & find the lies, then replace them! More on this below.
#2 People return to battlefields to reclaim what they’ve lost
In any defeat something of value will have been lost as the spoils of war. This can include your hope, self-worth or even your self-confidence. Inevitably, you will mourn the loss. It’s only logical therefore that if you lose something you will want to go back to the place you lost it to try to find it.
However the science behind this is even more profound:
When we experience a traumatic event, adrenaline rushes through our body and the painful memory gets imprinted in our amygdala, which is the part of the limbic system in the brain responsible for our emotional responses. This part of our brain then experiences developmental damage. This part of the brain can no longer healthily support you in the same way a broken leg can’t support you until it’s healed. Therefore, our brain gets stuck in this area, waiting to heal. So, it returns back to the scene of the crime, trying to diagnose and process what happened so it can learn how to heal. We are hard wired to try to figure out our traumas, and hence we return to old battlefields to piece together what happened to us, and to reclaim what was lost or broken in our battle.
The sad thing is for most people, they return not only to relive the battle, but also the defeat:
Consider teenage Ryan. I lost my self-worth on the battlefield of a volatile relationship. Despite travelling far and wide, my subconscious kept returning me to the same battlefield as an adult to try to reclaim the self-worth I had lost. It’s crazy to consider: but my subconscious believed if I could only convince a volatile woman to love me, it would finally mean a victory, so I could reclaim my self worth! However, volatile people are volatile precisely because they have their own unprocessed issues, so instead of victory I would relive the same traumatic defeats at the hands of broken people, and keep coming back. This was insane:
Insanity is simply doing the same thing again over and over again and expecting a different result.
Albert Einstein
Emptying the Hurt Locker & finding victory
Over time, as I prayed for breakthrough from my bad beliefs I began to recognise several powerful pathways into victory on the other side of my defeats, and how to turn trauma into triumph:
#1 Get a vision that gives the pain a purpose and points to victory
As I prayed, the words “Ezekiel 37” rang through my mind. I reached for my bible and thumbed to the chapter. I read the story of Ezekiel the prophet who lived in a refugee camp after his people had been defeated and slain by the Babylonians. After praying, Ezekiel returned in a vision to the battlefield where his people were defeated.
As I read this story I wondered how triggered he would have felt? No one wants to revisit the place of their greatest trauma. However, I also realised God wanted Ezekiel to face his demons:
“The hand of the Lord was upon me,
Ezekiel 37
And He brought me out in the spirit [in a vision],
and set me down in the middle of a valley, and it was full of bones [a battlefield of defeat]…
and he said to me “Can these bones [that which was defeated] live?”
And I answered “O Lord, only you know [I don’t know].”
And he said to the bones [that which was defeated]:
“Behold I will make breath enter you and you will come back to life”…
And breath came into them, and they came to life and stood up on their feet and became an exceedingly great army.
Then God said ‘Behold Israel said ‘our hope is lost. We are cut off.’ Thus says the LORD your God: ‘Behold I will open your graves and bring you home’”.
The spiritual truths in this verse lifted-off of the pages of my Bible and provided insight into the nature of dealing with trauma. Here is what I discovered:
By asking the question “can these bones live?” God invited Ezekiel to visualise the possibility of victory and life on the other side of trauma and defeat.
At first, Ezekiel could only respond “O Lord, only you know” which literally meant “I don’t have a clue if I can see life beyond this battle!” He was afraid to dare to believe. God knew the psyche of his people was developmentally damaged. As Ezekiel began to visualise victory for his people something happened deep in his soul. God’s vision began to reshape his perspective and the perspective shift began to reshape his identity from one of victimhood into one of victory. Ezekiel then went on to lead his people into encouragement and hope.
Did you know that it only takes 30 seconds of visualising a fresh perspective daily for 21 days to a month in order for your RAS in your brain to reform your beliefs and reshape your identity. Next, your brain begins to manifest those beliefs into reality.
One powerful way to create new vision for life beyond your battles is simply the “flip it” approach:
If you believe something that brings you pain, then become mindful. Emotional pain is natures way of telling you, you aren’t designed to feel it. Rather than let that bad belief manifest further pain in your own life and out into your relationships, take a moment and visualise the opposite. Flip it. It will feel alien and uncomfortable, but even doing this for 30 seconds a day for a month can literally rewire your brain.
#2 Get support that allows you to be vulnerable as healing requires vulnerability
Human beings are hardwired to need others and it takes a proud man to say he needs no one. In fact, our deep need for others is scientific:
When we process trauma our amygdala, the part of our brain that controls our fight or flight responses, has to power down. Our very defences have to be lowered to let love and healing in, and pain out. However, this act makes us vulnerable. This Latin word literally means ‘woundable’. It means as our defences lower we are at risk. Our conscious minds aren’t very good at allowing this risk to happen unless we feel truly, truly safe. It’s part of our survival mechanism.
Some of our best neural scientists are now able to define in biological terms what our writers, musicians and poets have known for millennia: that love is the greatest healer, because when we feel love we feel like someone else has our back. We can then lower our defences and heal:
There are stories of the tents of triage from the Great Wars where the men returning from battle could not put down their weapons or remove their protective gear despite needing to have their wounds tended to. Their minds were locked into combat. However, when their friends and physicians made them aware of their safety, they slowly let go of their grip on their weapons, and allowed their armour to become unfastened so they could receive the surgery they needed to survive. Our soul is no different. Until we feel safe, we stay armoured up, but in doing so remain unable to expose and heal the wounds in our Hurt lockers.
A note for my Christian friends: for years, I went forward for altar calls in church for prayer, but standing in front of hundreds of people was not a place where my subconscious could bear my soul so I didn’t receive healing. Some parts of the modern church has followed hard after the enlightenment. It champions the left brain: information and action. What it can at times fail to understand is that most identity growth & healing happens in the right side of our brain and is unlocked in an atmosphere of safety, joy and vision (a discipleship model of life).
If you want to heal, begin by finding supportive loving people in your life who can stand beside you and protect you whilst you begin your healing journey, or else you will struggle to open up. Note: there are also several emotional healing therapies like EDMR which can seriously help. They help because they tackle the limbic system and the emotional side of our brain. Many people will recommend CBT therapy for trauma. Whilst it can be helpful to understand your triggers, it’s more focused on the science of trauma, & not always the path to healing it directly.
The Researcher Brene Brown put it best for those who think vulnerability is weakness when she said
Vulnerability is our greatest measurement of courage
Brene Brown
When we’re vulnerable we are exposed. That is brave. We need other brave souls to support us in this endeavour. In all of this, this bible verse on vulnerability comes to mind:
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ [which is to love].
Galatians 6:2
Model vision and vulnerability & victory will follow
In the months after my break-up I dared to visualised a different future each day. I imagined marriage, and covenant love and being worthy of family. I was visualising through faith, not experience:
At first, this vision felt uncomfortable and unfamiliar. I was trying to reroute deep seated neural pathways in my brain. I sought an EDMR therapist, and did a lot of prayer and pushed through the discomfort.
I thoroughly believe this discomfort is where a lot of people get discouraged. They believe the struggle means they are not doing things right, so they give up. On the contrary, struggle and discomfort in life often just means change is upon you! Keep pushing! You are on the verge of giving birth to fruit in your life.
Very few things worth having come without resistance. It’s painful to rewrite aspects of our identity. It means overriding our RAS. However, with visualisation and support to be vulnerable – it’s more than possible!
Then for me, one day, it happened…
I awoke in a cold sweat. I shook slightly around my stomach and then in one final moment I exhaled the panic of trauma clean out of my body with one huge sigh. I literally felt trauma leave my body.
Wow… it only took me 27 years!
That week I went onto an online dating app to delete it. No more volatile relationships. That’s when I met Shana. She is a beautiful girl who had reached out to say “hi”. That small voice deep in my soul was whispering to me once again, this time telling me to say “hi” back. We became friends, then we met. Little did I know that I was about to rewrite my dating history.
I booked a date with Destiny rather than Defeat
Two heroes in my world are my grandparents Sylvia and Morley. They have loved each other through over 70 years of marriage, a testament to the power of covenant love. They met on the seafront in Plymouth, England as youngsters. Grandad was in his army uniform and he asked to buy nana an ice cream.
The reason I tell you this is because despite Shana living in Manchester and myself in London, she wanted to meet me in Plymouth (no joke, she used to live there). So we both drove the 5 hours and ended up at the very spot where my grandparents fell in love on the sea front. We watched the waves break on the cliffs under the stars and danced in the glow of the lighthouse. Vision and vulnerability had finally lit a path for my future: guiding my life off the rocks of broken beliefs and into the arms of a beautiful woman. The exact spot where my grandfather had found the family bonds of love 70 years previous I was finding mine.
As we got to know each other & I explained my story to Shana she didn’t judge or get volatile. She was kind. I realised my beliefs were no longer attracting volatility into my life. Result!
Sharing my story we decided to make vision and vulnerability our trademarks. “Let’s visualise the future together” she said. She bought ‘Post-it’ notes for our vision board. We call it our War Room. It’s our safe place for where we go to be vulnerable, visualise and pray about family, ministry, charity work & career. It’s about what we want to create and who we want to be, our vision for our life beyond our battles. It turns out she had had just as many battles as me including an escape from a life in Islam into Christianity; but that’s another story!
Some months later, feeling more and more free from the past I received an unexpected text message. After 27 year of denying the volatility of our past, the role model from my teenage years reached out to me to apologise for maligning my character as a teenager. It seems that my breakthrough, my forgiveness & my identity shift gave them permission to lower their defences and do the same. Something had shifted spiritually between us! When we are manifesting a victorious life beyond our battlefields it makes us a safe space for others to have permission to experience our breakthrough and do the same.
How did I respond? A few years ago I may have been resistant & accusatory toward this role model. But I had softened and moved on and my response to them was graceful and understanding. Trauma it turns out works in generational cycles & they had their own story of trauma they were working through. When we get breakthrough it gives us more empathy for others.
What about you and your battle? Victory awaits…
Maybe you’ve read this and you know that you have some battles in your life you keep returning to? I am here to tell you you can move past your victimhood into victory. All you need is a little vision, vulnerability and support.
Remember, if a thought in your life is damaging and hurts, it’s God’s way of telling you that you were never designed to feel it. It means that there must be another perspective that can take you forward into victory. Start seeking out fresh perspective and visualising an alternate future. Visualise a new future each day and pray if you dare. Keep doing it every day even when if you feel odd or indifferent. Get vulnerable & find supportive friends to talk it through with. You may feel stuck, and the pain may feel deep, even unreachable. But what goes in can come out. Trust me, I know. It can all come out and you can get free. Life is short, don’t stay stuck!
Vision gives pain a purpose. Who knows… some of your greatest victories and triumphs could even get born from overcoming your victimhood, trials & trauma. It can all teach us how to grow and find out who we really are as children of God.
Remember you are not alone. We are all in this together. I will leave you with the words of Ernest Hemingway:
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at their broken places.
Ernest Hemingway
God speed, and may you find your victory 🙂 And if you need a helping hand in any of this, please reach out!